Saturday, February 28, 2009

Milk Crates for Stability in Your Life

Partly out of necessity, but mostly because of shared creative genius, the homeless have long been the sitting world's Steve Jobs, believing less is more and considering user-friendliness the key to a strong product. So, while the saturated streets of Washington, D.C. forced hundreds of thousands to spend hours standing or settle for spots amid Dunkin Donuts cups and pretzel-chip bags on the frigid, yellowish-green cement between the Capitol and the Washington Monument, these three men whipped out simple, but effective, milk crates to observe the festivities.

Let's examine the pros and cons of these mesh plastic squares.

Pros: When not used as a seat, the milk crate doubles as a reliable container for everything from young puppies (especially when crate is Bungee-corded above a rear bike tire) to Topps trading cards.

When stationed above a subway grate, the porous milk crate allows steam to warm your body, recycling the heat energy from below for an eco-friendly solution in a chilly city.

As pictured, milk crates foster hope and a sense of community among those in need. 

Cons: Be careful, milk crates are considered contraband. Possessing one will garner you serious jail time. 

Use over many hours may sear embarrassing mesh pattern on buttocks and upper hamstring.

Again, no lower back support. 


Although practical and sturdy, the milk crate won't help you look cooler or more appealing to potential spouses. However, there are plenty of men and women who, weathered but looking to love again after years spent with unreliable, disloyal and flaky intimates, are just searching for a stable companion. Sitting on a milk crate will prove that if you were a carpenter's level, your green bubble would always remain between the center lines.

Stability - 5/5
Cool Factor - 1/5
Difficulty - 1/5
Perilousness - 3/5 -- May cause severe police reprisal
Added bonus - Milk crates typically arrive with complimentary milk. 3/5

Overall rating - A steady 13/25

Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Dependability of Polished Granite

Countertops offer a number of benefits, especially for the amateur sitter just beginning to test the waters beyond his or her trusted Adirondack chair.

Pros: Recorded history shows zero instances of sitting-induced countertop collapses.

Sitting on a counter offers the average partygoer an unimpeded view of the festivities while resting his or her slowly blistering feet.

The stationary countertop forces friends and acquaintances to come to you. While surrounded by a semi-circle of smiling friends in your slightly elevated position, girls/boys will find you appealing.

It's fun to dangle your feet and pump them back and forth.

Cons: Sorry, no skirts.

Sitting on the counter may expose you to week-old coffee stains, globs of marinara sauce that have turned orange and crusted over but stay squishy inside and the intolerable stench of George Foreman grill fat drippings.

Coffee-makers and Franzia boxes provide poor lumbar support. 

Wayward appendages or articles of clothing may activate hazardously close stove or oven.

I suggest monitoring this recent trend because it seems to be approaching critical mass. Once you see some kid wearing a Che Guevara shirt and sipping a Pomegranate Juice cocktail as he slouches between the blender and the row of commemorative Jagermeister bottles at your next Allston house party, you know it's time to locate a fresh perch. 

Stability - 5/5 
Cool Factor - 3/5
Difficulty - 1/5 (Unless you lack the upper-body strength to hoist yourself up)
Perilousness - 2/5
Added bonus -  A spot on the countertop typically means bananas, Cheez-Its and other treats are a short reach away.  3/5

Overall rating: A respectable and reliable 14/25

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Cure for Sitters' Block

Buddy, have you come to the right place.  Check back here and you'll be off that craggy marble stump in no time.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Corrupting Power of the Chair

Put simply, there is no telling what sinister method the conventional seat will unleash to debilitate you.  Their hatchery of tricks is always fully stocked.

They will intoxicate.

They will sedate. Note the lethargy and utter lack of enthusiasm despite the Jonathan Papelbon strikeout.

And they will depress.  Fucking Dementor-chair.

Approach benches with caution.

A word about chairs.

Hero, emancipator, glue of a nation: Yes. But no one would mistake Abraham Lincoln for a sitting savant.  Look at his stern, confident expression. Lincoln clearly doesn't mind being cemented for eternity in a straight-back armchair.

Visionary sitters like you and me? We have other plans. Plans in which chairs -- even your grandparents' La-Z Boys -- just do not suffice. Same goes for stools, couches and beds.  

This isn't 1953.

The Post-Sofa Revolution has begun. Get off the cushion.