Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Dependability of Polished Granite

Countertops offer a number of benefits, especially for the amateur sitter just beginning to test the waters beyond his or her trusted Adirondack chair.

Pros: Recorded history shows zero instances of sitting-induced countertop collapses.

Sitting on a counter offers the average partygoer an unimpeded view of the festivities while resting his or her slowly blistering feet.

The stationary countertop forces friends and acquaintances to come to you. While surrounded by a semi-circle of smiling friends in your slightly elevated position, girls/boys will find you appealing.

It's fun to dangle your feet and pump them back and forth.

Cons: Sorry, no skirts.

Sitting on the counter may expose you to week-old coffee stains, globs of marinara sauce that have turned orange and crusted over but stay squishy inside and the intolerable stench of George Foreman grill fat drippings.

Coffee-makers and Franzia boxes provide poor lumbar support. 

Wayward appendages or articles of clothing may activate hazardously close stove or oven.

I suggest monitoring this recent trend because it seems to be approaching critical mass. Once you see some kid wearing a Che Guevara shirt and sipping a Pomegranate Juice cocktail as he slouches between the blender and the row of commemorative Jagermeister bottles at your next Allston house party, you know it's time to locate a fresh perch. 

Stability - 5/5 
Cool Factor - 3/5
Difficulty - 1/5 (Unless you lack the upper-body strength to hoist yourself up)
Perilousness - 2/5
Added bonus -  A spot on the countertop typically means bananas, Cheez-Its and other treats are a short reach away.  3/5

Overall rating: A respectable and reliable 14/25

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