Friday, May 26, 2017

You'll need to sit down for this.

Number Five on a list of cliches to ban from your script that still generates 59 million Google results.

You'll need to sit down for this. 

Are you sitting down? 

You might want to sit down.

Oh jesus, if someone tells you that over the phone, hang up immediately.
No, don't. Because they care about you and they're about to deliver some truly profound news. This is life-altering stuff so you better sit down or else you're gonna ––

Or else you're gonna what?

Might you faint? If so, a chair with arms would be helpful. Because if you sat in a bed, you'd likely just roll off the side and get a concussion. If you sat a on a park bench, someone might rob you after you passed out from the shock of that life-altering news. Now you got two problems.

Might you vomit? If so, standing would be preferable because sitting would make you puke in your lap and ruin your trousers. If you splattered a little spew on your shoes, that's okay. Shoes are designed to handle some gross stuff, like dirt, strangers' shriveled condoms and the occasional coil of doggy doo. Chinos are not.

Might you scream? If so, what good is sitting going to do except to perhaps constrain your diaphragm with the pressure of your contracted abdominal muscles.

Might you spontaneously sprint in whatever direction you are facing and then trip over a rollerblade or slam your forehead in a low doorway? If so, why don't you put rollerblades your rollerblades in the garage (unless you are in the garage – then why don't you hang them up where the mice can't make little nests in the inline) and how tall are you and why can't you control your emotions, man?

Might you pee? If so, you'll ruin the chair.

So I've never really understood the "You'll need to sit down for this" harbinger of doom cliche.

Spit it out already!

Is there an email equivalent for this? What do you even put in the subject?

What about text? I once found out via text that a family member died suddenly. It sucked, but I was standing and I didn't faint or nuthin.

Pros: You won't hit your head if you faint while seated – unless the seat lacks arms or a back.

You won't trip over a rollerblade.

You're successfully reenacting a scene from every network television drama.

Cons: Your urine may ruin a rocker.

You might vomit on your chinos.

Folding yourself up in a chair will prohibit you from adequately expressing your emotions and you'll be dealing with that in therapy later on – that is if you even have the balls to go to therapy.

Stability - 2/5 unless the chair you faint in has a back and arms and maybe even a seatbelt

Cool Factor - 1/5 See: Cliches to ban from your script

Difficulty - 4/5 The news you're about to hear will be hard, but sitting down as your chest cavity rapidly fills with anxiety and dread is not that bad.

Perilousness - 2/5 You could puke in your lap and the ruin the phone in the pocket of your mesh shorts.

Added bonus - 2/5 You're about to build some serious character and test your resolve.

Overall rating - You'll need to sit down for this . . .

11/25 – You didn't even get to 50%

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