Sunday, July 23, 2017

On that stability ball in his cubicle, basically bragging about how health-conscious he is. We're jealous of how other people sit.

No love for the stability-ball sitters huh? Tryna to work on their posture and core strength as they analyze the shit out of some hardcore customer data. Blastin those key demos, thrilling that high-value client, gunnin for that promotion, turbochargin that LinkedIn profile, snatching that bonus and splurging on those ankle weights like a salesforce superstar.

Bam bam bam – This go-getter gets after it! 

But every time you walk by his cubicle, you're hatin. Knee-jerk response like, "Why's that dick always showing off how fit he is? Rubbing it in all our faces like 'I'm so health-conscious. Look at me on my bouncy ball seat, sculpting my abs. You should touch them. Touch my abs. Come on. Touch 'em. Just put a knuckle in the gap.' Nagging management for a stand-up desk, standing in the elevator giving you a heads up about the bullshit bureaucracy forcing employees to submit a doctor's note stating why one needs to stand at work to benefit one's health – as if that's gonna make me relate to him." 

It's just gonna make us feel guilty for eating a bagel in our swivel chairs and never changing our homepage from

Oh god, we're insecure. Why do we have to take it so personally? Why is an indictment of our lifestyle and behavioral choices. I say we let brodude middle manager do his thing and move on.  

Unless he's throwing it in your face. Talking about his macros, judging your meals indirectly – you know, not straight up saying, "Your leftover mac and cheese is disgusting, you fatty fatty fat fat" but describing why he "could never eat that, oh, but you enjoy it!" – bouncing round the open floor plan on his stability ball, doing push ups on your cubicle wall, mixing up a protein shake while asking you for a sales report by EOD. 

this makes us mad. grrr.
Desk life: Damn. 
Sitting. For hours. 
Eating. At our desks.
Sitting. In our cars.
Eating. In our cars.
Sitting. On the couch.
Eating. On the couch.
Spice things up a bit with that Swiss ball.

Stability - Ranges from 1/5 to 5/5 depending on sitter's core strength. Average of 3/5

Cool Factor - 1/5 No. 

Difficulty - 3/5 No back support. Wow. 

Perilousness - 4/5 One moment of postural imbalance and your crashing into the cubicle wall behind you, destroying your neighbors' dual monitors, spilling coffee on her iPhone and and keyboard, messing up her Pandora playlist

Added bonus - 3/5 You will make your insecure coworkers secretly hate you while combating sciatica. 

Overall rating - 14/25 for that exquisite posture. We're jealous of how other people sit. 

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