happy fourth of july
from a hundred-year-old, parapet-less rooftop where we're all pretty high and hammered up here holding our flaming sticks while lighting explosives in the dark watching drunk neighbors fly remote control helicopters – henceforth known as drones – at roughly eyeball level to get a better Instagram story of the professional fireworks only slightly further away.
Seriously, your best bet is to sit down in case your dumbass cross-the-street neighbor's mortar gets knocked over and his smuggled bottle rockets end up firebombing your building. This way, the bombs will whizz right over your head rather than careen into your face and propel you to the pavement below like Wile E. Coyote all charred and splattered but, unlike Looney Tunes, actually dead. You're also less likely to stumble off the roof if you're seated. And your diminished surface area reduces your risk of getting pelted by wayward drones.
Consider this a PSA:
Sit on the cooler. Sit on a 30-rack. Sit on a blanket. Sit on a partner's lap. Sit on a lawn chair. Sit on one of 50 ancient Satellite dishes pocking the roof.
But please, back away from the edge of the roof, no matter how attractive you find the single person you are talking to. You don't wanna be Dead on the Fourth of July.
|OMG just use these already|
Pros: It's peligroso up there - the only night drunk people light explosives without with practical impunity; a chair, blanket, cooler, lap all mitigate the risk of a deadly rooftop fall
Sit on the cooler. Control the cooler
Get cozy with a mate.
Cons: Friend standing in front of you might obstruct your view of fireworks and throw off your Ooo and Aaah rhythm
Rising from a seated position prolongs your escape to the stairwell when a package of lit M80s accidentally lands next to you.
Harder to swat drones.
|oh jeez, sister.|
Stability - 4/5 seats are stumble-proof
Cool Factor - 2/5 Certainly not as chill as reclining against an old brick chimney
Difficulty - 2/5 Depends what we're working with here. A lawn chair or blanket on a windy evening? Yeah gotta sit down before they blow away.
Perilousness - 4/5 Fourth of July rooftops are sneaky dangerous, especially when your upstairs neighbors reveal themselves as repressed pyromaniacs
Added bonus - 4/5 Beautiful for spacious skies
Overall rating - 16/25 for a quiet harbor amid a firestorm ⚔ 🔥🔥🔥🔥 ⚔