Sunday, March 8, 2009

A seat worthy of its name

I assume some will look at that picture, see the gleeful young woman and accuse me of breaking my own cardinal rule by praising a chair on this website. Fine. You're right. Technically, the Zamboni driver sits on a chair. Are you proud of yourself, cynic? 

Picking out the chair while ignoring the greater good is to comb Hamlet for typos, the Grand Canyon for donkey shit or Harry and David Moose Munch Bars for high-fructose corn syrup.

Leave it to some people to find the tiny flaw in the Lucky jeans at Marshall's rather than gladly accept the 75 percent discount.

Removed from the Zamboni, then yes, it's a chair, but for our purposes, it is Italy's greatest contribution to sitting.

The woman driving clearly relishes the moment, beaming and mouthing, 'I did it! Thank you!' as she waves to her parents in the crowd while they proudly smile and nod their approval. 'We always knew you would, honey.'

Completely customizable.  

PROS: Few other minimum-wage sitting-jobs allow you to brag as much and impress so many third-graders.  Tollbooth attendant,  telemarketer, Glamour Shots clerk? Hardly.

It's just you and your partner out there. The crowd focuses on your every swerve, marveling at your control, wondering just how the hell that giant thing works and how anyone could possibly understand how to operate it as well as you.  That's called respect.

The only other on-ice activity that commands that kind of attention is figure skating. And you don't have to wear sequins and skin suits.

Twice every night you have the ability to soothe thousands of borderline-OCD-sufferers simply by hitting every spot on the rink.  You have more power than a teacher erasing the blackboard!

Do you see that sliver of scuffed ice near the blue line? Do you? WELL, DO YOU? Why are you driving in the opposite direction? NO. NO! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT! Wait. What? You're turning around? YES! You're turning around! You're driving right toward it! YEEEEEEEAH!!!1!! Oh, sweet relief. 

CONS: But on the flip side of that coin, you have the power to cause mild discomfort among those borderline cases and absolutely ruin the night for actual-OCD sufferers.


Thousands of back-seat drivers critique your every move. That's called pressure.

You instantly become the object of scorn and envy among the rest of the maintenance staff, which may result in a coups-de-zamboni.

Overheard as these two friends passed each other:

"We really are living the dream, aren't we?"
"You know, every morning I remind myself not to take this for granted."
"You got that right. See you in the second intermission."

Stability - 3/5 -- Zamboni - stable. Melting ice - notoriously fickle.
Cool Factor - 5/5 -- YOU THRIVE ON ICE. Literally cool.
Difficulty - 3/5 -- Just like two driving tests a night.
Perilousness - 5/5 --  A multi-ton machine sliding across ice all the time.
Added bonus -  5/5 -- People love you. You make sports safer, faster and more enjoyable. Though you drive 1/20 the speed, you are better than NASCAR.

Overall rating - To the best seat in sports, a 21/25.

1 comment:

  1. High Fructose Corn Syrup is fine in moderation and has the same nutritional value as sugar. Ignorant.